The Great Purpose Question, Part Two

I finally got my internet back up; thus my chance to write this note. After multiple attempts to actually get my internet connection to stick and several calls to Time Warner, I contemplated how much trouble sending a stink bomb to their technical support center would get me into. Blessedly, I got it up again, and discarded my fantasy.

Such is life. And life, today, found me at my mentor Sharon's apartment. She coaches me regarding different aspects of my life. It happened that today I was in a rather down, grumpy mood when I arrived - part of which was caused by not being able to locate the whipping cream for her at the grocery store - an item she asked me to pick up for her before I arrived. I am terrible in a grocery store. I might as well be trying to find my way inside a twisty, mystery maze.

But I digress. Again, constantly, amazingly, freque- okay. Yes. Ahem. ANYWAY, I was a bit persnickety when I arrived. It was a mood I did not want to subject Sharon to, so I tried to release it. No such luck. Things tend to "stick" with me, though I'm working on that. So, we began our session. After unloading how frustrated I was that my life was not where I wanted it to be, she finally took her notebook and made two columns - one of which was "What I did." The other half was "What I didn't do." The "What I did" column had a great deal many more little dots that Sharon had poked on the page than the other. Yet "You're living over HERE [the "What I did not do" column], Tina!" was her admonishment. And there it was: a bit unscientific, yes, but accurate nonetheless: overall, I was busy doing what is so easy for we humans to do: I was focusing on the negative aspects of my life, basically. And feeling more than a little sorry for myself, I realized to my great chagrin.

So! What does this have to do with purpose? Nothing, directly. Indirectly, what I realized was that my frustration involved not finding my purpose, and moreover, not getting done in my life what I wanted to when I wanted to get it done was at the heart of my discontent. What is it that I currently want to accomplish? Self-mastery, in short.

Yes, your eyes are doing fine. I did indeed say, "Self-mastery." I didn't say it made sense - because it doesn't. Attempting to achieve what takes Japanese warriors (in practice) and other great persons in our world a lifetime to achieve in a few short months, well, indicates, dare I say it: insanity. But I know I'm not insane b/c I can surmise if I am or not. That's one area where "I think [I'm insane], therefore I am," doesn't apply - don't you think? I do. I have to.

Yes, indeed, I have been impatient with my self-improvement plans. When I want something badly, I usually go after it at full speed - yet with this, I have been dragging my feet in some areas (another area of frustration). But Sharon told me that by focusing on the positive in my life, not only would that sooner or later help propel me onto the next level of my work, but it would attract more positive energy into my life. Fair enough. And true enough.

I realized that I had committed an impertinent blasphemy: I had in one sweeping motion cast aside from my mind all the incredible ways in which God has blessed me in my life. For instance, I have access to wonderful warm water when I take a shower; I live in an exciting and fun, albeit sometimes overwhelming, city; I have an awesome Chinese roommate from whom I am learning, everrrr-so-slowly, Mandarin (I encourage and cheer myself on with the belief that, never fear: by the time I'm about...oh, 125 years old I should have a solid-enough knowledge of the words that would get me directions to the nearest bathroom in China); I have a to-die-for family and terrific, loving relatives who, REALLY!, all like each other and actually desire to be with each other when occasions arise; I am alive; I can walk; I can talk; I can watch my favorite TV shows over and over again due to the brilliant invention of DVR (TiVo). See? Already there are a million blessings I enjoy, and I didn't even have to delve into amusement parks, fall leaves or Pez candy - all of which I adore, too - to think of them.

So! "Where is all this going, Tina?," you ask. The truth? I'm not exactly sure anymore. It's late and the monitor screen is getting brighter by the second - a sure indicator that my eyes are tired. But I was emboldened and inspired to get my ramblings down. Whether or not they're coherent enough for me to not be embarrassed tomorrow is another story. But overall, you get my drift, no? Basically, I am working on improving myself and my life, and I want it done NOW. And I'm a perfectionist to the core. Like I said, it doesn't make sense. But when you're unsure of your true purpose - the exact, so-perfect-you-can-recite-it-at-a-moment's-notice mission you have here on this earth, well, it makes you want to run to the therapy/lemonade-look-alike stand that Snoopy tends to find out. And find the nickel with which to pay him.