The Great Purpose Question

And that is, "Why am I here?" Okay, I lied. There are two questions. The other is, "What am I meant to do while I'm here?"

To be perfectly honest, and I'm a little abashed to admit this, I'm still not completely sure. I have prayed for an answer; haven't gotten one yet. And it's rather disconcerting - a constant discontent with where I am, but not knowing what or where the hell I'm supposed to do or go. To be. To live.

In the meantime, in my uncertainty, I do things I'm passionate about and hope that I get that feeling that yes, this is it. There are so many things I could do - so many talents I have that I am working on developing. Sometimes I am so jealous of people who just KNOW. Know that they'll be a doctor; a marine biologist (which is originally what I went to college for); a singer; a scientist. With regards to the ill-fated marine biology major, organic chemistry is what sunk me - no (terrible) pun intended. That was the beast I could not tame. Of course, the fact that I kind of "majored" in my sorority that year might have had something to do with it. :-) So, I switched to communications. And got out of damn-hard science! :-)

But I digress. Constantly. Unknowingly. Amazingly often! Okay: there's a saying that I've always liked, and it's actually from some greeting card that I've never been able to find again, and it says, "But to state your worth would take but a minute; the world is better because you're in it." I'd like to think that about myself. But sometimes I wonder if it's really true with me - that the world is better. Or is it just...the same? Usually that doubt is followed by self-pity or some other bum feeling. And that's when it's time to shake myself out of it. And remind myself that God doesn't make mistakes - except the ones that I fight Him on. ;-)

I sometimes wonder if I'm doing the right things. With respect to my work on No on Prop 8, I have been so torn between a religious tradition I've been a part of my whole life (Catholic) and friends and family who hold strong religious values that they're not willing to set aside in the name of civil rights. I really do believe that I did, and am continuing to do, the right thing with regards to gay rights. To fight for those who are the underdogs, the "different." And I was raised to follow conscience above all, so I feel pretty safe in that. But in trying to build the bridge I was naive enough to think I could do in a relatively short period of time (we idealists are all naive, in some ways - that's what enables us to make changes never thought to be possible), I experienced an agony of endless debate within myself. When you've been raised with certain beliefs and you were a fairly impressionable teenager - and you're not willing to just jettison your faith, either - well, it's a tug-of-war. My family's view of the special, unique role conscience plays in our lives doesn't seem to be shared by too many people, save for the few friends I've found who do.

Whew! Okay. There. I said it. In many ways I'm damned if I do and don't. I'll say it here and then won't again: being in the middle REALLY BITES sometimes. It's a rather lonely place to be. As is not knowing. Just not knowing.

Okay! Enough of that. So, I'm searching. I guess there's not too much wrong with that. :-) It's better than just settling down and stagnating, though that is often all-too-tempting.

I may never truly know. I may never be hit over the head with an opening of Heaven shining down upon me and a chorus of angels singing the joy of my enlightenment. That prospect doesn't really thrill me, but all I can keep doing is my best. And lately that's what I've been concerned about: living my life with excellence. Oh, the length of road I have to travel on that one.

All I know is that I terribly, achingly, my-body-turns-inside-out-with-the-desire want to do the right thing. To somehow, if I'm concerned about the ecological imprint I'll leave, certainly want to be thinking about the legacy that will stay after I'm gone. What that legacy will be is wrenchingly still a draft on a page. But I suppose I'm lucky - so very, very lucky - to have the chance to fill the blank spots in.